Uhm
by NetherVoidWanderer
Summary: Chouji's a hooker. Wha...? There HAS to be a mistake. Chouji? CHOUJI? Nothing travels faster then a bit of hot gossip.
1. Forming Ideas

Don't ask. Just. Don't Ask. This is, by all acounts, a crack fic.I was looking at stuff on the computer, talking to a friend of mine, and trying to watch 'Shark Week' on T.V (Multitasking) When my brain kind of went 'Duuuuuuh… Chouji's a whore' And my first response was what any body would respond with. WTF? And then I just started typing and came up with this. Go figure. Everybody's like… seventeen-ish. And Sasuke's around for the hell of it. So tell me what you think.

---

"Uhm…" Excuse me… You're Ino right?" The blonde turned to look at a brunette who was slightly taller then her.

"Yes. Who are you?" The taller girl bowed slightly.

"I'm Kantsuyayu Yabunu. Uhm… you're Chouji's team mate right?" Ino looked at Yabunu oddly and nodded. "Oh! I hate to impose but could you give this to him the next time you see him? See I'm going on a mission and-"

"Yabunu!" Both girls turned to see a mildly surprised Chouji. Ino was practically shoved aside as Yabunu ran to and embraced Chouji.

"I just wanted to thank you for last night and well… here." She pushed a bag with a nice sparkly red tie on the top into his hands and rushed away blushing madly. Smiling he opened it, gasped, and shoved it into his pocket.

"What was that all about?" Ino asked twisting in her seat to look at him. Asuma and Shikamaru returned to their game. He shrugged indifferently and sat down next to her pulling out a sandwich.

"What?" He asked innocently, Ino made an 'Ach!' sound gesturing from his pocket to the way Yabunu had entered and left through. He shrugged and set about turning his sandwich into a pile of crumbs on his shirt. Agitated she threw her hands up and waited for her teacher and Shikamaru to finish their game.

About an hour later their training was halted when a girl with long dark green hair came by, kissed Chouji on the cheek, thanked him for last night, gave him a t-shirt and walked off.

"What was that?" Ino asked as he returned to the three of them.

"Oh? That was Kako Demisturi. She just dropped off my shirt."

"Your shirt."

"My shirt."

"Why did she have you shirt."

"Jeez Ino why don't you leave him alone?" Shikamaru murmured earning a glare from his team mate.

"Well I'm just curious! Sheesh I mean…" Her voice trailed off when she noticed Chouji was several feet away talking to twin girls who had to be a few years older then them. "Look! _Look_! More girls. Jeezus they're the fourth ones to come by." She said pointing to the girls who giggled and handed Chouji a wad of cash before walking away. "Chouji…"

"Hmm? Oh. That was Kurisutaru and Subeni, though honestly I can't tell them apart." He flashed them a smile then motioned to the clearing. "Well shall we get back to training?" Questions were halted when Asuma placed a hand on Ino's shoulder and shook his head.

* * *

"Wait wait waitaminute. You're telling me that Chouji… Akimichi Chouji, from your team, is a hooker?" Sakura could not believe what the blonde was telling her.

"It's true." She said tossing a pop (soda) can into a trash bin. "Yesterday four girls came by our training. _Four._ All of them gave him something. The first one gave him a bag that he hid, the second one gave him a shirt-"

"So? Maybe it was his birthday?" Ino shot the pink haired one a look that said 'It-was-most-certainly-NOT-his-birthday.'

"It was _his_ shirt in the first place. She was giving it back to him. Besides the last two girls that came by gave him _money._"

"Well… it does sound kinda like he's a hooker but… it's _Chouji._ He just doesn't seem likmff." Sakura was hip checked into an alley by Ino with the blondes hand clamped firmly over her mouth. The blonde then motioned for Sakura to peek around the corner, which she did, and was shocked. There was Chouji talking to not one but _two_ girls, both of whom looked like super models. Not only were they talking but they were laughing, giggling, flipping their hair and smiling. All the symptoms of flirting. Sakura blinked several times to make sure she understood what she was seeing. Yes that was Chouji, yes those girls were flirting with him and yes one of them just handed him a wad of cash and asked about his plans for tomorrow night.

"Wow… I think you're right… Chouji _is _a hooker."

---

You like? Whatever. You don't like? Whatever. You knew what you were getting into when you read the summary so you can go get gang banged by a box of crackers for all I care. : )


	2. Hot Gossip

Yeah… not much to say… nee hee hee. This is random but you know what? I think Orochimaru has the coolest evil laugh. Kukukukuku.

I didn't even _know_ that was his laugh until I read the pages where Naruto and Sasuke have their little waterfall battle and Sasuke apparently Sharingan'd Orochimaru laughing at some point. I mean did anybody else notice the little note about his laugh?

Anyway enough about evil laughs. To my cracky fic! Things will get even more confused as news of Chouji's street walker profession reaches even more ears! Kukukukukuku.

---

"Are you serious!" Tenten practically screamed when Ino and Sakura updated her to the latest (and juiciest) gossip.

"Oh my…" Hinata said, one pale hand going to her mouth to muffle the giggle.

"You're joking right? He's not that… big… guy is he?" Tenten asked settling down since her last outburst had drawn attention to the other restaurants diners.

"One and the same. He's on my team, I think I'd know." Ino stated nodding earnestly. "Get this, yesterday, during our training four girls, _four_, all but threw themselves at Chouji. All of them gave him gifts and thanked him for a good time they had the previous night." She paused to allow the information to sink in.

"What kind of gifts did they give him?" Hinata asked quietly but earnestly. The Hyuuga's one guilty pleasure was gossip.

"Well… the first girl, her name was Kantsuyayu Yabunu, she gave him a bag that was tied at the top and walked away blushing. When Chouji opened it he gasped and got this look it was like… like… he was really pleased about something but just a tiny bit embarrassed." She paused again, for dramatics this time.

"What do you think it was?" Tenten asked scooting in closer.

"Well Ino and I think it was something kinky. Like maybe a dirty photo or lingerie or something you know?" Sakura answered folding her fingers and resting her chin upon them.

"And the second girl?" Hinata asked just a bit louder then last time and infinitely more interested.

"Well the second girl her name was Kako Demisturi-"

"I know her!" All four women looked up to see Naruto standing in front of their table with a few bowls in his hands. A shy 'N-naruto-kun' went unheard as Ino grabbed the blonde by his collar and yanked him into the booth next to her.

"Tell us… what kind of girl is she?" Ino demanded releasing his collar and giving him more room on the booth.

"Hmm… well… hey why do you want to know anyway?" He asked tilting his head to one side and looking at each woman individually. The looks he got made him reconsider his question and hold up his hands in defense. "Okay okay uhm… well let's see… She's really nice and stuff. I used to live next door to her in my third apartment. Uhm… she drinks… a lot. And works in her parent's store. Can I ask why you wanted to know now?"

"We think Chouji's a hooker an-"

"WHAT? CHOUJI A HOOKER?" Naruto's yell drew the attention of _everyone_ in the restaurant causing Hinata to sink back in the booth with her face dyed a deep red.

"Shut up!" Ino and Sakura hissed whapping him on the head simultaneously.

"Hey Naruto quit flirting and get back to work." One of the waiters said leading a couple past their table.

"Yeah yeah Furiaka. I'm goin." He muttered picking up the bowls he'd come to the table with and heading towards the kitchen.

"ANYway so she hands him shirt, but not just any shirt… it's one of _his shirts._" A scandalous gasp came from Tenten and Hinata.

"_No._" They breathed, apparently it also meant 'Please-do-continue' for she did.

"But that's not the best part…" Sakura told them earnestly.

"The third and fourth girls. Kurisutaru and Subeni. I didn't hear their surname but they were twins but anyway… you'll never believe this… they gave him this huge wad of cash. I'm not kidding it must've been the size of my fist at least!" The squeals that elicited from Tenten and Hinata were beyond scandalous.

"It gets better though… yesterday, as Ino is telling me this we're walking down uh… the fifth street over from the academy, you two know the one right? Right, so anyway we're walking down it when all of a sudden she shoves me into an alleyway then motions for me to look. So you know I do and guess what? I saw Chouji talking to Kurisutaru and Subeni. Not only talking but the girls were _flirting with him._ Yes but that's not all. They hand him a wad of cash and ask him what he's doing tomorrow night."

"Your not serious!" Tenten was practically salivating and Hinata's mouth was open so wide it looked like she had unhinged her jaw.

"And these girls… they weren't like dogs these were really pretty, magazine, movie star, run way model drop dead gorgeous girls. I swear to God when they talked to Chouji during our training Shikamaru must've popped a stiffy." Ino said crudely then held her hands up as if in self defense. "If I'm lying I'm dieing." Their conversation dropped off somewhat after that and about fifteen minutes later they diverged.


	3. He's an Escort

Hidey-hole, pithy, swarthy, esoteric, epiphany, svelte, gelatinous, and spiffed. These are fun words to use and to say. Plus people will either think your smart or making stuff up when you use them.

Use fun words. Expand your vocabulary. Be pro-literacy.

---

"The evidence _is_ there but I'd have to see it for myself to actually believe it, you know?" Ten-ten said crossing her arms resolutely.

"I agree. B-but I could understand h-how he'd be popular." Hinata said touching her index finger to her bottom lip. "He is very nice."

"But that's not the point of a hooker! They're for physical pleasure." Ten-ten responded unfolding one arm and gesturing.

"Maybe… maybe he's an escort? You know like a p-paid date as opposed to just..."

"A sex toy?" Ten-ten said crudely and forcing herself to not smile at the bright red patches that lit up on the shorter girls cheeks.

"I-I mean th-that would make more sense… c-considering his personality." Ten-ten looked like she had an epiphany (see?) and snapped her fingers.

"Hinata you're a genius! That has to be right… I mean… seriously." She used both her hands to make a circle indicating his body build to which Hinata giggled guiltily. "Oh shit!" The older girl suddenly gasped tackling Hinata down behind three garbage cans. Ten-ten silenced Hinata's squeak and motioned for her to look over the top of the trash can carefully, which she did.

"… I meant to ask you what happened when I gave you your shirt back but it looked like you were busy." An older, rather pretty girl with dark green hair was speaking very casually with Chouji. "See I drank to much and moments of it are complete blanks to me. I mean I remember we were in an alley and I remember when I ripped your shirt off but everything after that is just a blur of colors." Hinata practically died after hearing that and Ten-ten's breathing did an odd jig. "I hope I didn't do anything to hurt you, I mean you know how I get after a few bottles of vodka." Chouji laughed and placed an arm around the girls shoulder herding her down the street.

"Don't worry about it Demitsuri. It's not the first time." The rest of their conversation was lost as Hinata and Ten-ten sat down facing each other and still behind the trash cans.

"Oh my gosh! I-I can't believe they'd b-be talking about s-something like that i-in the middle of the street!" Hinata said a fevered tone covering her mouth with her hand.

"I know! Oh… we _have_ to tell Sakura and Ino! They will die when they hear this." Standing she offered her hand to the younger girl and craned her neck to see if Chouji and Demitsuri were still in sight.

Ten-ten and Hinata had diverged so that they could alert Ino and Sakura quicker. After all news this big had to be divulged to the masses as quickly and efficiently as possible.


End file.
